Death ends a life, not a relationship.
It’s been a minute since I wrote anything on here. I have reasons/excuses for this. None of them either good or bad, but reasons/excuses, none the less.
The past 10 months have been difficult for me to sit down and put words to a blog post. I have had a tremendous loss in the past year with my dad’s passing in March 2018. More difficult than I could have imagined. I already had a problem with my temper and suffered from depression. Thankfully, I had been able to manage it.
That all changed when I came out of the “fog” after my Dad’s service. I feel like I have been short in temper and patience with my wife and kids since that day. I feel it happening, almost like an out of body experience. I see it. I hate it. And I can’t seem to control it.
Most of the time in public I am excellent at wearing my “mask.” People mostly have no idea of the battle I’m fighting. My kids see it, but at 7 & 9 they don’t understand. My wife sees it, but I’m to stubborn to let her help, although I’m not really sure how to let her help.
I’m sad, and can’t seem to get past it. It’s crazy to feel this way, for me, because I’ve been really good at balling my feelings up and shoving them down my whole life. I like to think that I’m open and honest about my feelings, but in truth that’s just a different mask I wear, with the people I let think they are close to me. I seem modern, open minded, expressive of my feelings. And to a certain extent I am, I believe all of what I spew out to the world, but there is a cloud of gray that surrounds me in the moments when I am alone.
I use the common tricks to tell myself I’m okay. I self-sooth with things I enjoy… popcorn is a common thing in my world. I self-medicate in moderation with the middle-age elixir of craft beer. I run miles a week to absorb the endorphins that placate me for a minute. I read self-help articles, see a therapist. I flip all of the proper switches.
But still I struggle with… well, everything. What makes it worse is I have everything. A loving wife, great kids, financial security — all of the things that are supposed to cause stress or depression if you don’t have them. I also see these things, as an out of body experience, when the temper is lost or the patience are short. IN REAL TIME- which only exasperates the feelings of depression.
I am not sure what pulled me to write this. Maybe I just needed to vent. Or maybe someone out there needs to see that they are not the only one. You are not. Unless I am?